The First Church of Mutterhals - Get on your knees and prey

Imagine this guy molested you

2012-01-29T00:02:00.000-05:00

FLORIDA - A Lowry Park Zoo volunteer charged with lewd and lascivious molestation of a child.

Cameron Spurback, 21, appeared in Hillsborough County court, where his bond was set at $100,000.

According to Tampa police, Spurback approached a 9-year-old boy in the bathroom, pulled his pants down and fondled him.

Spurback has Treacher-Collins syndrome, a rare genetic disorder characterized by abnormalities of the face. Investigators have not said what, if any, role the disorder played in the incident.

http://news.asiantown.net/r/19354/mugshot-of-the-day--molester-caught-fondling-himself-in-front-of-9-year-old-boy-in-zoo-restroom

Let's take up a collection to buy this kid some therapy. Also:

And then there's this:

Val-holla.

Soundtrack of your life: We leave at 8:30 for 9:00

2012-01-27T19:02:00.001-05:00

Midnight Madness

2012-01-27T18:54:00.005-05:00

Things I think about while on the bike at the gym

2012-01-26T16:55:00.002-05:00

That old man over there is snoozing on the ab machine.
I can't wait to go home and get high and/or drink copiously.
I wonder if this can kill me?
Is that the Ellen Degeneres show or Sports Center on that TV over there?
Now I can eat all the cookies...
Whatever happened to Craig Kilborn?
My heart rate is 174?! Shit, that doesn't seem right.
Whose dumb fucking idea was this?

Cooking with mutterhals

2012-01-26T09:34:00.001-05:00

At lunch the other day Quake and I came up with the latest sandwich catastrophe. I can't remember what we named it, because I'm still slightly drunk from last night, but let's just call it the McEwan for the time being.

First you take two really thick cut slices of ham. That serves as you 'bread'. Between your ham-bread (rum is optional) place several heaping handfuls of roast beef, turkey, basically any greasy lunch meat you can find. Spray that down with our patented butter/mustard combo. Now cover the whole thing in salt.

Christ, I almost forgot about the cheese. No need to go all high end, you're better off getting that cheese sauce they give you cheap microwave meals. Now douse your meat with it. You know what douse means? Douse that meat, mother fucker, make it beg for mercy.

Now for your salad. Take a big ol' wedge of endive and deep fry the fucker. Maybe batter it first, throw bread crumbs on it. Did you butter your bread crumbs? I'll wait.

OK, now that everything is buttered and fried and ready to go get yourself two pints of Jack Daniels, one for during the meal and one for after, to counteract the likely intestinal discomfort you will experience. Take that greasy meat sandwich and shove the whole thing in your mouth hole. Chew. Repeat this thirty thousand times until the thing is gone. Then eat your fried endive.

Band Names Looking for a Good Home

2012-01-25T22:38:00.004-05:00

Won't you please help?

Jimi Jimmy Josh

Ovarian Cyst

Ginsu Sunday

Hammertown

Look Who's Next

Phang (Phantom Wang)

This Digit Here

The Mania

Fourth Wind

Jubilee

Drug Induced Hysteria

It's Like That Now

So a fashion blogger walks into a propellor...

2012-01-19T17:09:00.000-05:00

I know a bunch of you sickos keep coming here for pics of Lauren Scruggs, the astrophysicist that walked into a plane propeller, and far be it from me to deprive you of your gore. Here you go:

Down an eye and hand and still in better shape than 90% of the population. We salute you Lauren, may you parlay your accident into a book deal and shot on Oprah or whatever asexual talk show host is in control now.

mutterhals Ideal Man Must Be...

2012-01-19T16:58:00.001-05:00

...Lewdly handsome, devastatingly witty, and mildly psychotic. Ladies and gentlemen, Michael Fassbender:

In 2010, Leasi Andrews filed charges against Fassbender for two incidents, alleging that he “”threw her in a drunken fury” and, later on, “dragged her alongside their car, hurting her ankle and bursting an ovarian cyst”. She also supposedly broke her nose.

A month later though, she withdrew her claim. Sources close to Andrews say that she didn’t want to jeopardise his burgeoning career and worried that he may not be able to gain entry into the US should he have the case on his record.

http://laineygossip.com/Articles/Details/22427/Michael-Fassbender-terrible-jeans-and-abuser

I don't know if this is true, I don't care, just let me live out my weird Guy Woodhouse fantasies for a moment.

Atheists as bad as rapists...

2012-01-19T08:51:00.001-05:00

...so say the mongrel hordes:

Will Gervais and his colleagues presented participants with a story about a person who accidentally hits a parked car and then fails to leave behind valid insurance information for the other driver. Participants were asked to choose the probability that the person in question was a Christian, a Muslim, a rapist, or an atheist. They thought it equally probable the culprit was an atheist or a rapist, and unlikely the person was a Muslim or Christian.

http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=in-atheists-we-distrust

Now, had the guy molested or blew up the car, then he would have obviously been a Christian or Muslim.

Going black for SOPA

2012-01-18T09:58:00.001-05:00

Look at me, all political and shit.

My Little Accident

2012-01-16T08:55:00.001-05:00

Hey, look who published their first short story type thing. Spoiler alert, it's me:

http://infectiveink.com/?cat=3

Midnight Madness

2012-01-13T21:34:00.003-05:00

Disregard the baby dick

2012-01-13T16:48:00.001-05:00

I'm a sucker for those relationship articles on Yahoo and I just read one entitiled What women look for in men. I didn't get most of it. I then looked at the companion article, What men look for in women. The very first must have trait?

"She needs to be attractive."

Is it wrong that I agree? Of course, everyone's definition of attractive varies. But that's super important. Physical beauty is a good thing, let's not kid ourselves.

Whatever Magic Mike is, I like it

2012-01-13T16:28:00.002-05:00

Look at Alex Pettyfer's abs. Marvel at them. Ponder how such a fabulous configuration could have been etched by natural selection. Got-damn, got-damn.

Though I'm not crazy about the dude on the left. I'm mentally replacing him with Michael Fassbender's penis.

Things I'd like to do before I die

2012-01-11T19:43:00.005-05:00

Get drunk at the Oscars
Go on tour with a band
Get something printed on paper
Have dinner at Martha Stewart's house
Go into outerspace
Skydive
Coin a phrase
Show my boobs to a large group of people
Kill a bear
Eat a human (Sorry!)
Punch someone in the face
Watch the world end

The new new testament

2012-01-09T09:18:00.001-05:00

"My dad always tells us faith is like a muscle. You trust God and your musce grows." - Through My Eyes: A Quarterback's Journey, by Tim Tebow

http://www.facebook.com/TimTebowFoundation?sk=app_286869441336313

Fun with deranged people

2012-01-05T18:12:00.000-05:00

I recently received two comments illustrating the sad state of our public school system on this post:

Anonymous said...

God did not create that you ass hole! Fucking men did. And why you gotta be dissin on god u pice of shit. If you say that god isn't real the prove it. Because we have lots of proof he does. For instance, pieces of the ark have been found. And u ever herd of the bible asshole? It's not just a made up story. Ifs facts cold hard facts! So. Reply to that "I'm waiting!"

Anonymous said...

Yes. I agree. It's time to put an end to atheism. Have u ever tried going to church? Or did u just decide ur gonna b an atheist? There is one thing I disagree with strongly tho and that's all of the swearing. U 2 are worse than Erin brokovich. I mean seriously.

Here is my response:

Hi, I'm mutterhals, writer, girl about town, and semi successful amateur surgeon. Your comments have brought to my attention that you, in fact, might be retarded. Signs of retardation are as follows:

Becames unduly angry when surfing the internet
Rampant misspellings
Referencing Erin Brokovitch in 2012
Demanding that someone prove the existence of a negative

Unfortunately for you, your case seems past the point of repair. I suggest you put your money into coloring books and flash cards.

Sincerely,
mutterhals

Makeshift Donger

2012-01-05T17:16:00.004-05:00

"Chaz has been studying his finances, adding up the credits and debits, and is pretty sure that within a short while he will finally be able to afford to get himself a penis."

http://www.rollingstone.com/movies/news/chaz-bono-im-saving-to-buy-a-penis-20120105

In these cash strapped times Chaz needs to think outside the box (oh lord.) I have a solution, it involves duct tape and a dildo. Really, what can't duct tape do?

ProgrammingNote

2012-01-02T19:43:00.003-05:00

Well,Ispiltfuckingredwineonmykeyboard,thuslosingmyspacebarprivleges.AHurrDurr!

Midnight Madness

2011-12-30T22:54:00.001-05:00

Soundtrack of your life

2011-12-29T19:25:00.001-05:00

An approximation of the most terrifying phone call I've ever had

2011-12-29T12:32:00.002-05:00

Read all about it here:

http://thoughtcatalog.com/2011/an-approximation-of-the-most-terrifying-phone-call-ive-ever-had/

I take paypal donations and first born male children, provided they are hung like mules.

Should you watch Hatchett 2?

2011-12-27T12:51:00.002-05:00

Feel like watching a B-list actress make this face for two hours?

Miss the good old days of slasher films when 'retard with a bone to pick' was an acceptable plot point?

Can't get enough of Tony Todd?

Want to see the personification of the term 'axe wound'?

Whether or not you've answered yes to any of these questions don't see this movie. Seriously.

Merry Xmas!

2011-12-25T15:07:00.000-05:00

Have some old ripped dude smelling his own arm pit. Here's to shitty christian holidays cribbed from pagans. Val-holla.

That time I went out with a sex offender

2011-12-23T11:21:00.002-05:00

I knew this guy, we’ll call him Leslie. I workedwith Leslie and for some reason he took me on as sort of a little sister, maybebecause he was a bit older, maybe because I give off a sort of juvenile vibe.

Leslie said he knew a really nice guy who hewanted to fix me up with. I said yes. Why, I have no idea. There are twoconstants in dating, the first being never go home with a guy who tempts youwith pot and the second is never take unsolicited set ups. Normal people meetin grocery stores and bars and other public places, set ups tend to be thebastions of the afflicted, physically or otherwise.

The guy, let’s call him Phil, showed up at myplace of work in a print shirt. He was bald, by choice not genetics, and he hadpretty, doe like eyes that he batted at me after removing his sunglasses. Hewas very sweet tempered and concerned that I felt comfortable with him, which Itook as a good sign. We made plans to meet at a vegan coffee shop, also a signthat this guy was no panther, unlike the kinds I usually dated, guys who huffedgasoline for fun and bashed bottles over each other’s heads as a form ofgreeting.

After Phil left I found Leslie to give him thegood news. “He’s cute,” I said, referring to Phil.

“He’s a nice guy, too.”

“Yeah, he seemed really sweet.

“Did he tell you his problem?” he asked. ImmediatelyI was on the offensive. ‘Problem’ could be anything from a club foot to ballrash. A prosthetic leg or scores of unclaimed kids. I narrowed my eyes at him.

“He didn’t mention any problems, Les.”

“Look, it’s just a legal thing, no big deal.”

“Well, what is it?”

“He should tell you. It’s not bad, but I thinkhe should tell you.”

Maybe this should have set off alarms, but itdidn’t. Honestly, I figured it was drugs or maybe a DUI. You couldn’t throw arock in this city without hitting a functional alcoholic or casual drug user.

On the night of the date I went to the coffeeshop clad in my best band t-shirt and found Phil at a table. He looked up fromthe free newspaper and smiled.

“Hey stranger,” he said as I took a seat acrossfrom him. He was in the same print shirt he wore previously but had dispatchedwith the sunglasses. His eyes were really his best feature. They would not havelooked out of place on a young girl, yet here they were staring from out of hisruddy, masculine face.

He was a perfect gentleman. After carrying on awholesome, entertaining conversation for most of the evening I asked him, outof curiosity, about what Leslie alluded to at work. He sighed, blowing outhard, causing the candle on the table to flicker.

“He said I should probably tell you. I guess Ishould tell you. OK. My girlfriend, well ex, obviously, ex girlfriend, she hada younger sister. She was a good kid, you know, but troubled, she was always introuble. She lived with us.”

“Uh-huh.”

“I tried to be, like, a role model for her–”

“How old was she?”

“14, I think. Maybe 13.” Oh lord, I thought to myself. “Anyway, we were home one night, justme and her. She comes into my room, acting really weird. I told her to go fuckoff because of how strange she was acting. Well, the next day I wake up and thecops were outside my house. She told my girlfriend I raped her.”

I leaned over the table towards him. “Sorry?”

“Oh, it’s total bullshit. It’s just a trumped upcharge. They put me in jail a few months…”

“But you said you didn’t do anything.”

“You know how that goes,” he said, rolling hiseyes, way too unconcerned that someone somewhere thought he raped a 13 yearold.

Not that I don’t think it’s possible for girlsof whatever age to lie about this sort of thing. I’ve seen it happen firsthand, I’ve witnessed the outcome of such shenanigans. But this guy was way toblasé about it. It was like he was telling me what he had for lunch that day. Suddenlyhe didn’t seem so harmless. The bald head was probably to prevent girls fromgrabbing onto his hair, the light eyes used to disarm and dismay, the printshirt made him look nonthreatening.

I cringed through the rest of the date, all thewhile thinking to myself, ‘this dudefucking raped someone!’ and ‘I couldprobably take him.’ I wasn’t afraid exactly, just sort of disgusted, withhim, with myself, with Leslie for sending me like a lamb to its slaughter. Whenwe parted I was grateful we never exchanged numbers. I think he knew hewouldn’t be seeing me again. He insisted I take his CD. I did just to appeasehim and tossed it as soon as I could. At work the next day I walked right up toLeslie.

“You fuck stain, you set me up with a rapist.”

“He said he didn’t do it.”

“You ever do any time Les? ‘I didn’t do it’ isalmost as overheard as ‘don’t drop the soap’.”

“Well, I believe him.”

“Good, you can fuck him then, I like my sexconsensual.”

“Come on, you really think he did it?”

Looking back, I don’t know. I can’t say.However, that bit of baggage is meant for some other girl carry. I’ll like mymen morally flexible, not criminally insane.

Midnight Madness

2011-12-22T18:19:00.003-05:00

Heathen Sluts for Tim Tebow

2011-12-21T15:55:00.000-05:00

Hey, read this:

http://www.thenervousbreakdown.com/sadams/2011/12/heathen-sluts-for-tim-tebow/

Brought to you by that weird thing that happens to old lady hormones.

Disease of the day

2011-12-21T11:18:00.001-05:00

Turner syndrome or Ullrich-Turner syndrome (also known as "Gonadal dysgenesis"^[1]^:550) encompasses several conditions in human females, of which monosomy X (absence of an entire sex chromosome, the Barr body) is most common.

There are characteristic physical abnormalities, such as short stature, swelling, broad chest, low hairline, low-set ears, and webbed necks.^[5] Girls with Turner syndrome typically experience gonadal dysfunction (non-working ovaries), which results in amenorrhea (absence of menstrual cycle) and sterility. Concurrent health concerns are also frequently present, including congenital heart disease, hypothyroidism (reduced hormone secretion by the thyroid), diabetes, vision problems, hearing concerns, and many autoimmune diseases.^[6] Finally, a specific pattern of cognitive deficits is often observed, with particular difficulties in visuospatial, mathematical, and memory areas.^[7]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Turner_syndrome

I thought I was the ultimate niggabitch...

2011-12-21T08:46:00.002-05:00

After issuing an apology for her magazine's use of the N-word in describing Rihanna, Jackie editor-in-chief Eva Hoeke has resigned her post.

What's going on here?

2011-12-18T15:15:00.000-05:00

I'm going to think about this long and hard until I ~~come~~ figure it out...

Melissa McEwan is a despicable pig fucker...

2011-12-16T10:28:00.002-05:00

...and she shouldn't be allowed to eulogize Christopher Hitchens in her cunt-centric, chauvinistic way. People like McEwan aren't fit to breathe the same air as people like Hitchens. Christopher Hitchens was a true god among men, and tragedy humpers like McEwan will never be able to understand people like him. That is, people unemcumbered by fear and small minded bigotry and people who truly lived every moment of their lives like it was the last. In contrast, McEwan hides behind her keyboard heaving grim disapproval on everything she isn't a party to.

In other words, fuck off McEwan, you don't get it. You'll never get it. Your simulacrum existence is an affront to people like Christopher Hitchens.

2011-12-16T08:22:00.002-05:00

"We have the same job we always had: to say that there are no final solutions; there is no absolute truth; there is no supreme leader; there is no totalitarian solution that says if you would just give up your freedom of inquiry, if you would just give up, if you would simply abandon your critical faculties, the world of idiotic bliss can be yours."

Christopher Hitchens, 1949-2011

Yaaaaaaaassssss!!!

2011-12-14T17:39:00.003-05:00

Queens of the Stone Age are apparently well on their way to completing their first album since 2007's Era Vulgaris. "Yep. the Queens are deep into makin the new album," a post on the Palm Desert, California-based band's official Facebook page says. "Locked away in the desert. & shit yeah. it. sounds. fuckin. killer."

In May, frontman Josh Homme told the BBC the band's upcoming sixth album would be completed by the end of 2011. He also said the new album probably wouldn't mark a huge shift in trajectory for the group. "We're at a weird moment where we really don't feel like we have anything to prove," he was quoted as saying. "We just want to play to the people that are into and we want to play right at them."

http://www.spin.com/articles/queens-stone-age-are-back-studio

Say it again: Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaassssssssssssssssssssssssss!!!!

Programming note

2011-12-13T17:08:00.001-05:00

To whomever googled 'fat woman doing a shit' and made it to my website, come claim your prize:

Just kidding, that's not a fat woman doing a shit. But it could be...

Should you watch The Devil's Double?

2011-12-10T21:20:00.001-05:00

Answer these questions:

Do you like Dominic Cooper?

Do you like his ass?

Do you like white guys pretending to be Arab?

Movie for you! yadda yaddda, Dominic Cooper.

(More) Midnight Madness

2011-12-10T20:47:00.001-05:00

No matter how fat or old...

2011-12-10T20:41:00.001-05:00

...or irrelevant or senile Josh Homme gets he retains an open invitation to my vagine. No Joke.

Also, getting old eats shit, I should know. I've recently decided to stop having birthdays, we're calling them 'funny cake days' now.

Midnight Madness

2011-12-10T19:24:00.001-05:00

Soundtrack of your life

2011-12-08T19:17:00.001-05:00

Soundtrack of Quake's life:

Well, this is awkward...

2011-12-08T11:53:00.001-05:00

It's just come to my attention that I would totally do Tim Tebow.

Insert de rigeur blonde joke here

2011-12-06T12:58:00.001-05:00

The parents of model and fashion blogger Lauren Scruggs said today that their daughter is responsive and making a slow recovery after she suffered severe injuries from accidentally walking into the propeller of a small plane.

Scruggs, from Plano, Texas, edits an online fashion magazine and had also worked in the wardrobe department of the TV show "Gossip Girl." The 23-year-old suffered horrific injuries including the loss of her hand Saturday night after had just finished riding in a single-engine plane to get an aerial view of Christmas lights with a friend.

The pilot had landed at a private airport north of Dallas when Scruggs exited the plane and walked directly into its propeller. The blades sliced the left side of her face and shoulder and severed her left hand. She is now stable at Parkland Hospital in Dallas.

http://gma.yahoo.com/lauren-scruggs-tragedy-parents-speak-models-propeller-accident-101317983.html

While I'm no 'fashion blogger/model' I am extremely vain and way too pleased with how I look, so I sometimes wonder how I would react if something like this happened to me. Basically, what would it be like to go from a perfectly pleasant looking young lady to something that could be considered monstrous or disturbing. I think I would probably just go hide in a cave somewhere and scare school children.

An older fellow I'd like to have relations with

2011-12-06T08:59:00.001-05:00

Let's get it on, Fur Button!

Should you watch Surf Nazi's Must Die?

2011-12-05T17:21:00.001-05:00

Answer the following questions to decide:

Do you like gun wielding sassy black grandmas?

Can you appreciate nazi humor?

Enjoy looking at tits and badly drawn swastikas?

Can't get enough stock footage of people surfing?

If you answered yes to any of the above questions, this is probably the movie for you. If not, congratulations, you are mentally well!

World's biggest bug

2011-12-02T10:15:00.001-05:00

She's called a Weta Bug and has a huge wing span of SEVEN inches and weighs as much as three mice. Former park ranger Mark Moffett, 55, discovered the cricket-like creature up a tree on New Zealand's Little Barrier Island.

He spent two days searching for the creepy crawly which were thought to be extinct after Europeans brought rats to the island many years ago.

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/3972007/Worlds-biggest-ever-insect-found-called-the-Weta-Bug.html

My first instinct when seeing anything vaguely creepy that's smaller than me is usually 'kill, kill, kill'. But I actually find this weird ass thing kind of cute.

Soundtrack of your life

2011-11-30T14:16:00.001-05:00

Cry me a river

2011-11-30T14:08:00.001-05:00

Hey, read this, and feel free to call me a hippie in the comments:

http://thoughtcatalog.com/2011/the-time-i-tried-quitting-antidepressants/

Open letter to my television

2011-11-29T15:54:00.001-05:00

Arts & Entertainment my sweet ass.

Sincerely,
mutterhals

RIP Ken Russell

2011-11-29T08:48:00.001-05:00

To sum up: dicks, tits and naked man wrestling, rest in pieces Ken Russell.

Crepuscular Shenanigans

2011-11-27T20:01:00.001-05:00

Eat 'til your stomach bursts

2011-11-24T13:55:00.001-05:00

Don't be a turkey, read this:

http://www.thenervousbreakdown.com/sadams/2011/11/musicians-who-might-be-crazy/

Brought to you by all those British assholes that colonized America way back when.

Too Short; dead, not dead

2011-11-23T09:34:00.001-05:00

Too Short has spoken out to assure fans he is alive and well after false rumors of his death spread across the Internet.

A story suggesting the hip-hop star had suffered a fatal heart attack hit the web on November 22nd and pranksters subsequently attempted to change his page on Wikipedia to reflect the untrue tale.

http://www.waaytv.com/entertainment/story/Too-Short-not-dead/5BzeomE43ECzAJ4po1ZDWA.cspx

I know what you're thinking? Who the fuck is Too Short? Well let me show you:

And while we're on the subject:

Holy shit, the 90s were like an acid trip from hell.

Soylent Green is people!

2011-11-22T17:25:00.001-05:00

Pepper spray is food. Guns are just really loud drills.Batons are organ massagers.Tasers are good for a pick me up. Soylent Green is people!

This is pretty much how I feel right now...

2011-11-22T13:54:00.001-05:00

Things that are sad

2011-11-19T09:41:00.001-05:00

People who have to take their own pictures

This thread on Shakesville

The Litreactor writer community

Hot people growing fat and old (not naming names)

Dead dogs

Eating all the cookies

Demi Moore's old lady cooch

This guy:

Twitter

Getting stuck in a K-hole and watching 3 hours of Intervention and Hoarders

Not having any money but all the free time in the world

Panic attacks

Night sweats

Putting a new sheet on your bed and realizing it's too small

Too much E&J brandy

Midnight Madness

2011-11-18T20:34:00.001-05:00

I just watched this like 30 times

2011-11-16T12:08:00.001-05:00

This one too

2011-11-15T21:16:00.001-05:00

I will put this song in a movie one day

2011-11-15T21:11:00.001-05:00

Yes, I'm drunk.

Jesus is my quarterback

2011-11-15T13:40:00.001-05:00

As the holiday shopping season quickly approaches, a customized Tim Tebow jersey being worn by a handful of Denver Broncos fans is creating quite a stir in the sports world.

Rather than have the rookie quarterback’s name on the back of the jersey, these “faithful” fans have chosen to place the name of the messiah – Jesus Christ – above Tebow’s No. 15.

The “Jesus Jersey,” as it’s come to be known, has drawn harsh criticism from a variety of sources.“Weed against Speed,” a pseudonym for a blogger from the Sportress of Blogitude website, sarcastically writes that it’s a “total surprise” that a Tebow fan would create a custom jersey like that.

“And if you ask me, maybe a bit sacrilegious,” the blogger writes. “But hey, I’m no theologian, so what does my opinion matter?”

http://www.inquisitr.com/159772/tim-tebow-custom-jesus-jersey/

I'd just like to point out that Weed isn't much of writer either, but that sure as shit didn't stop him. I dug up some jerseys that are actually more offensive, as seen below:

Afterhours Insanity

2011-11-12T22:11:00.001-05:00

RAAAAAAAGE

2011-11-06T09:45:00.000-05:00

OAKLAND, Calif. (AP) — The second Iraq war veteran hospitalized after a confrontation at an Occupy Oakland protest wasn't participating in the demonstration when he was injured and arrested, a friend and colleague said Saturday.

Kayvan Sabeghi, 32, had joined in a march the day before but was only trying to get home when he was beaten by police early Thursday, said Esther Goodstal, who co-owns a brewery with Sabeghi in nearby El Cerrito.

Goodstal said Sabeghi took part in an Occupy Oakland march to the city's port Wednesday but left when it was over. "After that, he went out with his friend and had dinner," she said.

When dinner was over, Sabeghi decided to call it a night because he had to work Thursday. He was walking home in west Oakland sometime late Wednesday or early Thursday when he encountered a line of police at the protest who wouldn't let him through, Goodstal said.

"Literally, you (could) see his apartment," she said. "The police for some reason ... said, 'No, you cannot pass.'"

Goodstal said Sabeghi told her he tried to explain his situation and officers began hitting him with batons.

Records show Sabeghi was booked on suspicion of resisting arrest. He was one of more than 100 people arrested by 3 p.m. Thursday.

http://news.yahoo.com/2nd-vet-hurt-occupy-oakland-event-203222083.html

midnight madness

2011-11-05T23:44:00.001-05:00

...so dangerous, so dangerous...

Soundtrack of your life

2011-11-03T18:25:00.001-05:00

My foot's gonna occupy someone's asshole in a minute

2011-11-03T09:24:00.002-05:00

The Occupy Wall Street encampment in Zuccotti Park has had to deal with its share of undesirable behavior, from uncooperative drummers to a drug-related arrest, but Wednesday saw the most serious criminal allegations yet, as a volunteer in the encampment's kitchen has been arrested for sexual assault and rape.

Before his arrest, Iketubosin denied he assaulted either of his 18-year-old accusers, Sibbing said. He "was adamant that it wasn't him." One woman told police she had gotten into an argument with her tent-mate at 6 a.m. Saturday, and had met Iketubosin when she left. "He offered to let her sleep in his tent, saying he had to go work in the park’s makeshift kitchen," The Wall Street Journal reported.

"The alleged victim took Iketubosin up on his offer and went to sleep. But she said she soon awoke to find Iketubosin removing her pants, the [unnamed law enforcement] official said. She told police she asked him to stop, but he didn’t comply. Then he raped her, the official said." The other woman says Iketubosin helped her set up her tent on the evening of Oct. 24, then snuck in early the next morning and groped her until she pushed him away.

http://news.yahoo.com/kitchen-volunteers-sex-assault-arrest-shocks-zuccotti-park-215348689.html

At first I was going to say something like, "you mother fuckers are undermining your very cogent message with this sort of bullshit." But then I thought about it and realized this is just life. You can't control who participates in these protests just like you can't control the homicidal crack head that robs you at the ATM or the psychotic frat boy who date rapes you after one too many. This dickhead's actions have nothing to do with the larger point, which is pretty much ignored by the media in favor of salacious stories like this and 'these wacky protesters/what do they want?' segments on the news. You know what I want? My fucking job back.

MFW Lulu gets 3 out of 5 stars in Rolling Stone

2011-10-31T16:29:00.001-05:00

My imitation of a typical feminist blog post

2011-10-31T16:13:00.000-05:00

I was perusing the blogosphere this morning when I noticed a sickening trend. A blogger I read frequently (no, I won't provide a link, I don't want to give her traffic), stated something to the effect of 'my boyfriend just came into the room and said 'lulz, boobiez' and we laughed and laughed'. Well. I immediately let her have a piece of my mind. I left the following comment:

I know you think it's funny to engage in disgusting tropes so early in the morning, but I'm trying to eat my gluten free mineral meal...' To which she callously responded, 'holy geez, lighten up cat lady.'

Suffice to say I had bingo preeeettttty quickly. I fired off an email to the administrator of the blogosphere. A transcript follows (please contact author if vision impaired and I will craft a braille rendering of original email using a piece of cardboard from a crate of pancake mix purchased at Sam's club and silly putty):

Dear Sir or Madam or Transgendered person or whatever it is you wish to be called,

My name is Sadie, and I'm a survivor. Of what, you ask? Of life. Men. Rape culture. Misogyny. My body has borne the scars of this world and she is tired. Tired like the grand earth mother who must watch her beautiful world crumble under the jack boot of kyriarchy.

How can you sleep at night when people like TeenyMarie1980 vomits such dreck onto the internet? (please see transcript of offending blog post; can be translated into a language of your choosing for a small fee in case you have an indigenous peoples in your employ).

How can you abide the constant stream of invective lobbed at people like me? I'm humorless, I suck the joy out of everything like a vacuum, typically followed by calls of 'hey, why don't you take some more pictures of that stupid cat,' and so on.

I am not humorless, sir or madam or transgendered pansexual person or dwarf, I just can't laugh at something a serious as a woman's breasts. They are not here for pleasure, yours or mine, they are here to be protected at all costs and treated like fine China (oh Jesus, I think that last statement was racist. Was it? I don't know, that's what it's called, right? Oh shit, breathe Sadie, breathe).

I took time out of my busy schedule to send this because it is that important. In the morning I have to go down the social security office to see about getting my 'partially abled' placard due to split lung syndrome which requires that I nap several times a day and I am knee deep in rewrites on my Dr. Who fanfiction, in which I integrate the cast of Quantum Leap into the proceedings. Obviously I am a very busy woman, so you must realize it is of utmost importance that we put a stop to such indecency on the internet. Thank you.

PS, Melissa McEwan put me up to this.

Inspired by this shit: http://witch-words.blogspot.com/2011/10/how-not-to-take-criticism-ana-of.html

Hunter S. Thompson is not a brand

2011-10-31T07:32:00.002-05:00

One of the biggest movie stars in the world suffered one of the biggest box-office flops of his career this weekend.

Even with Johnny Depp, the Hunter S. Thompson-themed "Rum Diary" couldn't scrape up more than $5 million at 2,272 North American locations. Considering the movie had a budget of about $45 million, that's a tough opening for the FilmDistrict release.

The movie also was poorly received by filmgoers who did pay to see it, garnering a soft "C" score in post-screening surveys conducted by Cinemascore.

http://www.thewrap.com/movies/article/johnny-depp-flops-rum-diary-32312

I'm glad Hunter is dead so he didn't have to see this silly shit. The Rum Diary was nothing at all like Fear and Loathing, yet this movie would have you believe it was a prequel. Also Johnny Depp has has hair plugs, pass it on.

Midnight Madness

2011-10-30T21:11:00.001-05:00

Morning Mass

2011-10-30T12:25:00.001-05:00

Sexually dysfunctional woman makes a big deal out of nothing

2011-10-27T10:09:00.000-05:00

Look, I am not anti-sex toy in general. Just leave the dongs and fifis and diesel powered vibrators at home, or you'll end up like this bitch here:

Jill Filipovic, a New York blogger who is also a lawyer, tweeted Monday that a note was left in her bag — which contained a sex toy, according to reports — that said "get your freak on." The note was written on a TSA notice of inspection form, leading Filipovic to believe it was written by someone at airport security.

TSA said on its blog Tuesday that it had conducted an investigation into the incident and removed the employee that was responsible from duty.

http://thehill.com/blogs/transportation-report/tsa/189991-tsa-removes-screener-for-telling-passenger-to-get-your-freak-on-

Look at all the fucks I don't give

2011-10-27T07:50:00.001-05:00

Chaz Bono braved controversy to be the first transgender contestant on Dancing with the Stars, but he revealed in an interview today that it was jibes over his weight that troubled him the most.

But it wasn't from ignorant, faceless haters that the 42-year-old faced these attacks, but rather from the show's judges, whom Bono has blasted as 'disrespectful.'The only child of Cher, 65 , and the late Sonny Bono, told Good Morning America: 'I was called a basketball, a penguin, an Ewok, and I just didn't appreciate it.'

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-2053936/Dancing-Stars-2011-Chaz-Bono-blasts-disrespectful-judges.html

With all the goddamn horror in the world...look lady, can I be frank? Or do you want to be frank? It makes no difference to me. What was I saying?

Totally inappropriate Halloween costumes

2011-10-26T09:33:00.000-05:00

Zombie Amy Winehouse (or Michael Jackson)
Gaddafi's corpse (butt blood optional)
Pregnant Casey Anthony
Used and abused Slut Walker (or LGBT teen)
For couples: the 'virgin' Mary and her chaperone, a Roman Centurian
Wall Street Tycoon

Remember that time we ass raped a dictator?

2011-10-25T08:07:00.001-05:00

An analysis of video obtained by GlobalPost from a rebel fighter who recorded the moment when Col. Muammar Gaddafi was first captured confirms that another rebel fighter, whose identity is unknown, sodomized the former leader as he was being dragged from the drainpipe where he had taken cover.

A frame by frame analysis of this exclusive GlobalPost video clearly shows the rebel trying to insert some kind of stick or knife into Gaddafi's rear end.

http://www.globalpost.com/dispatch/news/regions/middle-east/111024/gaddafi-sodomized-video-gaddafi-sodomy

Gif of the day

2011-10-25T07:08:00.003-05:00

Hey kids, don't do drugs unless you're seven feet tall and in the most awesome band in the world. This PSA was brought to you by vodka and horse tranquilizers.

Photo(s) of the day

2011-10-24T18:45:00.001-05:00

They say I'm sick.

Shit, goddamn, get off your ass and jam

2011-10-24T14:20:00.001-05:00

Midnight Madness

2011-10-23T15:41:00.000-05:00

Out This Fall

2011-10-22T16:13:00.001-05:00

Hey, give this a spin:

http://www.thenervousbreakdown.com/sadams/2011/10/out-this-fall/

Or it's your ass.

From the desk of Obsidious Quake: Loutallica

2011-10-20T14:28:00.001-05:00

Mr. Quake just shoved this masterpiece into my inbox:
OMFG! You have to hear Loutallica. You'll shit your pants and the pants of everyone in your general vicinity. From the fucking jump I had tears in my eyes. I'm listening to it right now and I'm crying as I type this. So stop what you're doing and listen to this:

MFW Lou Reed says he's a 'small town girl':

Quote of the day

2011-10-20T14:17:00.003-05:00

"A skill a man should have? Making fires and pleasing a woman. In the vaginal area." - British actor Jamie Bell starting a roaring blaze in my 'vaginal area'.

At least it wasn't his dick

2011-10-18T09:31:00.001-05:00

Police in Everett, Washington say a woman is accused of cutting her sleeping husband's neck and shoulder with a power saw.

Officers who arrived at the home say they could hear the man shouting: "You tried to cut my head off. You're going to jail."

http://news.yahoo.com/wash-woman-accused-using-power-saw-husband-034153324.html

Midnight Madness: my face when

2011-10-17T18:52:00.001-05:00

Enochian Mass at the Smiling Moose

2011-10-15T13:45:00.002-05:00

I've officially fucked a bona fide rock star, oh yeah!

Hitler's ideal woman rears her bony head

2011-10-15T10:22:00.000-05:00

The Gorgon beast more commonly known as Ann Coulter was roused from her turbulent slumber recently, and she was so incensed she lumbered over to her lap top, found a chair sturdy enough to accomdate her manly frame, and threw her giant paws on the keys to puke out this madness:

So far, the only major accomplishment of the "Occupy Wall Street" protesters is that they have finally put an end to their previous initiative, "Occupy Our Mothers' Basements."

Oddly enough for such a respectable-looking group -- a mixture of adolescents looking for a cause, public sector union members, drug dealers, criminals, teenage runaways, people who have been at every protest since the Berkeley Free Speech Movement, Andrea Dworkin look-alikes, people 95 percent of whose hair is concentrated in their ponytails and other average Democrats -- they can't even explain what they're protesting.

If Richard Nixon had won the 1960 election instead of John F. Kennedy -- as some say he did -- there never would have been a need for Rosa Parks, the Freedom Rides and the rest of the civil disobedience of the civil rights movement.

http://www.newsbusters.org/blogs/ann-coulter/2011/10/13/wingless-parasitic-and-blood-sucking-occupy-wall-street-goons-are-flea-

I once almost fist fought this bitch customer I encountered at work. After I had to be drug away from the woman to keep from whooping her like the fucking rented mule she was the manager took me in the back and said something to me that I will never, ever forget.

"She's a cunt and she's good at it."

Ladies and gentlemen, Ann Coulter: She's a Cunt and She's Good At It (tm)

Musicians Who Are Probably Crazy

2011-10-14T15:57:00.000-05:00

Hi, I'm mutterhals and sometimes I write things that no one anywhere has any interest in. What I'm saying is this post is the written equivalent of thrift store underwear (i.e. only good for a cheap laugh and probably infested with crabs). The following are some musicians who are probably crazy.

Jack White - Total Phil Spector type. I can see White years from now donning some kind of gravity defying hair do, denying his involvement in the mysterious death of the coffee barista that had been squatting in his foyer for the last few months. No officer, I have no idea how that kitchen knife made it into her back 72 times, but I do recall her saying how depressed she was right before.

Lady Gaga - Clearly suffers from delusions of grandeur except, you know, they’re no longer delusions. Believing you’re the adopted mother of every aberrant personality from one side of the globe to the other is much more annoying than Madonna hitting her head and believing that she is Evita Peron and was born on the English country side. And apparently just as profitable, considering that Lady Gaga has brow beaten her way into our hearts despite the fact that her music is your standard pop fare, albeit with a bunch of paper mache dongs stapled onto it.

Josh Homme - Am I the only one who thinks that at least three of the lifetime members of Queens of the Stone Age have probably killed someone? But let’s focus on Josh; prone to sexy fits of rage and threatening ass rape on men. Physically imposing, could probably stuff someone into a trunk before they had a chance to ask what happened to Nick Oliveri. Like Ted Bundy with an electric guitar.

Tyler the Creator- I used to follow Tyler the Creator on Twitter because I’m a hipster in training (I've since found out I'm too old and poor to be a hipster, which makes this Pabst tattoo even more tragic). Mr. the Creator should probably see someone about his epic mood swings; one minute he is taunting fans because they’ll most likely never ascend to his lofty heights, the next he is cursing himself for imagined failures. If I wanted to listen to the ramblings of a bi-polar asshole I’d turn off the computer and sit in a dark room with my thoughts.

Nicki Minaj - Split personalities, wearing trinkets from the dollar store as clothing, wielding a giant dildo onstage, how isn’t Nicki Minaj crazy? Though it is nice to see a black artist stealing from whites for a change.

Giving the Finger

2011-10-13T11:39:00.001-05:00

You like orgasms? You like dongs? You like retarded American girls traipsing around Europe? Then read this:

http://www.thenervousbreakdown.com/sadams/2011/10/giving-the-finger/

Penis disorder of the day

2011-10-10T15:17:00.000-05:00

Hoo boy:

Diphallia, penile duplication (PD), diphallic terata, or diphallasparatus, is a medical condition in which a male infant is born with two penises^[1]. This is an extremely rare disorder with only approximately 100 cases of diphallia recorded since the first, reported by Johannes Jacob Wecker in 1609 ^[2]. Its occurrence is one in five and a half million men in the United States.^[3]
When diphallia is present, it is usually accompanied by other congenital anomalies such as renal, vertebral, hindgut or anorectal duplication. There is also a higher risk of spina bifida. Infants born with PD and its related conditions have a higher death rate from various infections associated with their more complex renal or colorectal systems.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Diphallia

Shit, goddamn! I don't like this at all.

White women, you so craaaaaaazy

2011-10-10T13:25:00.002-05:00

Look, I found the above picture really offensive. Christ lady, cover up that belly or do some crunches. Do a lot of crunches.

Everyone says this woman is a racist. She's not, she's just a moron, she never saw that part in the Die Hard sequel where Bruce Willis had to walk around in a sandwich board.

Fenga Papit (aka midnight madness)

2011-10-09T17:45:00.001-05:00

Soundtrack of your life

2011-10-06T07:56:00.000-05:00

Guess who just discovered Funkadelic?

Live blogging shit I'm reading while high

2011-10-05T11:34:00.001-05:00

A commenter over at Shakesville writes:

I go in for an evaluation today. Not sure how much difference it will make if they say "yes," except that I might be able to finagle putting "must be allowed to knit in class because it improves auditory focus" onto my disability accommodation plan. I'm also 2300 words into a fanfic to correct a TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE plot development in Law & Order UK. Once I've FINISHED it, I'll be able to watch the season opener. Until then, I'm avoiding it, because it'll make me cry.

http://shakespearessister.blogspot.com/2011/10/open-thread_05.html#comment-327129861

As an aside, I found these while googling Bruce Willis reaction faces:

As the boyfriend says, I'd pee in his butt.

To everyone freaking out over...

2011-10-04T12:55:00.000-05:00

...Johnny Depp comparing photo shoots to rape, here's the definition for hyperbole. HAVE SOME. No, it's cool, I'll fucking wait.

Live blogging shit I'm watching while high

2011-10-03T16:14:00.000-05:00

"Ich bin ein Stiffen sie broom handle." - Tommy Saxondale

Soundtrack of your life

2011-09-30T12:16:00.001-05:00

Git Some! of the day

2011-09-28T16:30:00.001-05:00

Jennifer Aniston, git you some 40 year old post-rocker with a receding hairline. Git some! He was in American Psycho, for fuck's sake.

http://www.dlisted.com/2011/09/28/jennifer-anistons-response

From the Desk of Obsidious Quake

2011-09-28T16:12:00.000-05:00

That faggot Bret (Brit) Michaels has his own clothing line for pets. Dead.

(Ed. Note: Bret's such a rebel for holding his guitar like that.)

For the best music you've ever heard in your entire life, please go here.

Read it, pig tits!

2011-09-28T11:51:00.000-05:00

http://thoughtcatalog.com/2011/fighting-with-strangers-in-public/

Or I'll kick your ass!

Is it wrong this video gave me the vapors?

2011-09-28T09:45:00.000-05:00

Well it did. This is what happens when my boyfriend makes me watch Tosh.0. Those guys became monumentally more attractive when they started soul kissing each other.

Uhhhh...

2011-09-28T08:26:00.004-05:00

http://www.dlisted.com/2011/09/28/hot-sluts-day

Two faced cat, good morning!

Soundtrack of your life: lessons

2011-09-27T12:29:00.000-05:00

I ain't no Gemini:Don't throw reefers at Josh Homme, or he'll actually come up there and fuck you in the ass:You cannot use the back way into the drive thru, old ass bitch in an SUV:This Bramley apple filling is hotter than the sun:You can have a midlife crisis at any age: