Intervention: Pittsburgh

Counselor Lenny: Hi, have a seat city of Pittsburgh. Yes, I’m sorry, we got you here employing a bit of subterfuge, you really didn’t win a ticket to the christening of Baby Big Ben.

Who am I? Well, I’m counselor Lenny. Your friends and family called me here to speak to you about something very important. PITTSBURGH, WE ALL CARE ABOUT YOU VERY MUCH, BUT IT APPEARS YOU HAVE A DRINKING PROBLEM.

How do I know? Well, you’re drinking right now and we’re in a church. No Big Ben is not here, like I said, subterfuge. Trickery. TRICKERY. I was jagging you. Now that we’re all on the same page a few loved ones wrote you letters. Philadelphia, would you like to go first?

Philadelphia: *clears throat* Yeah, sure. Alright, so Pittsburgh, you’re fucking up and you know it. All you do is drink. That’s what you’re known for. Christ, how many bars does one small town need? Yeah I said it, 54 square miles is a joke, son!

Counselor Lenny: Just read the letter, Philadelphia.

Cleveland: Fuck your mother!

Counselor Lenny: Now, Cleveland, I know emotions are running high. Do you have anything constructive to tell Pittsburgh?

Cleveland: I fucked your mother!

Counselor Lenny: Maybe we should move forward. New York City really wanted to be here, but she had better things to do. She sent Atlantic City in her place.

Atlantic City: Like maybe youse guys should think about getting your own show, boost your profile like. You can call it Nowheresville, hehhhhhhh. *Atlantic City and Philadelphia high five*

Counselor Lenny: I thought we were all here to help Pittsburgh, not tear it down? Now let’s all think of constructive ways for Pittsburgh to spend its time instead of drinking.

*everyone is silent*

Anybody have any ideas?

Atlantic City: Youse assholes can splash around in one of those nasty-ass rivers you’re so proud of.

Counselor Lenny: Look, I realize the weather is miserable and you have identity issues. I know it’s hard, not knowing whether you’re situated in the Midwest or east coast, and I know cool bands always bypass you, but you can’t solve all your problems with cheap beer and whiskey. Drunk driving is not a sport, no matter what anyone tells you.

Pittsburgh: May I interject momentarily?

Counselor Lenny: Of course.

Pittsburgh: *stands* I may not be the largest city, or the cleanest. Or the prettiest or the most fun or the smartest. Many of my neighborhoods are devoted to getting shit faced and the city is about 50% abandoned houses and litter. No one can drive and if they could surely the dangerous and confusing streets would cause them to crash their barely maintained vehicles that their Uncle Dale passed through inspection. But I have heart, goddamn it. I have heart. I am the little city that could. Oh shit, it's dollar beer night. Can anyone give me a ride, I turned in my license in last week.