I intended on doing more of these, but none came out as good as this one. Presenting Howard Roark's online dating profile:
Greetings. Howard Alexander Roark here. Charmed.
A little about me. I stand 6'3" in bare feet. My eyes are a piercing cerulean shade. My steely reserve is often mistaken for smugness or conceit, which it may well be. I intend to move the earth itself with my innovative designs of a vague nature. I am the golden god you've been waiting for to accompany you to The Hobbit and then perhaps a late dinner.
What I’m doing with my life:
Calming hysterical ladies with my penis; making lesser men feel inadequate; designing unique and innovative structures that cause anger and confusion.
I’m really good at:
Is this a trick question?
The first things people usually notice about me:
My aforementioned large stature; my innovative designs; the fact that I’m raping you; my shocking orange hair.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food:
I don’t really have time for such plebeian pleasures. I prefer a glass of Cognac and a partially willing lady in my lap.
The six things I could never do without:
My penis pump
A vaguely Semitic foil
I spend a lot of time thinking about:
Innovative building designs, like putting a slide in a cracker factory. Ladies’ rumps, as long as they are alabaster and tight like a drum.
On a typical Friday night I am:
Standing at a bar looking suave; giving a lady the best thirty seconds of her life.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit:
I’m a bed wetter.
I’m looking for:
An alabaster skinned free market goddess with the morals of a fruit fly and a publishing deal.
You should message me if:
You want to be mistreated by a handsome, dashing, devil-may-care architect. You don’t mind the hour of penis pumping it takes for me to reach full capacity.