Cooking with mutterhals

At lunch the other day I came up with the latest sandwich catastrophe. I can't remember what we named it, because I'm still slightly drunk from last night, but let's just call it the McEwan for the time being.

First you take two really thick cut slices of ham. That serves as you 'bread'. Between your ham-bread (rum is optional) place several heaping handfuls of roast beef, turkey, basically any greasy lunch meat you can find. Spray that down with our patented butter/mustard combo. Now cover the whole thing in salt.

Christ, I almost forgot about the cheese. No need to go all high end, you're better off getting that cheese sauce they give you cheap microwave meals. Now douse your meat with it. You know what douse means? Douse that meat, mother fucker, make it beg for mercy.

Now for your salad. Take a big ol' wedge of endive and deep fry the fucker. Maybe batter it first, throw bread crumbs on it. Did you butter your bread crumbs? I'll wait.

OK, now that everything is buttered and fried and ready to go get yourself two pints of Jack Daniels, one for during the meal and one for after, to counteract the likely intestinal discomfort you will experience. Take that greasy meat sandwich and shove the whole thing in your mouth hole. Chew. Repeat this thirty thousand times until the thing is gone. Then eat your fried endive.