A dildo for every hole, a fleshlight for every dong

I'm not very altruistic, as most of you already know. I'm of the opinion that it's every man for himself, whether you like it or not. You can't really expect other people to take care of you and security is just coping mechanism. No one is really secure.

However, I do find the sexual dysfunction of many Americans troubling enough to warrant intervention. You have a vast number of women who are downright latently asexual, you have shit-load of straight men who are terrified of the implication that they might be gay, you have teens and young adults being told in one ear that abstinence and chastity are the only way, while in the other ear streams the most vulgar and perverse sexuality in the form of festering silicone tits and hooker culture, which celebrates coldly detached sex acts but shies away from real sensuality and pleasure.

But sex for its own sake is about as healthy as it gets. I have these two aquatic snails who will not stop fucking. It's amazing, every time I look in the tank they are mounting each other. I didn't even know snails were capable of fucking, but that's all they do, apparently, and they're snails. Like Jack White says, the birds get it, the bees get it, even your little dog gets it. If you're not getting it, you are in trouble.

Sexual dysfunction is the biggest factor in the creation of serial killers. These people are unable to hold normal, healthy relationships with those they desire, therefore they result to killing as a replacement for sexual release. They also typically kill people they'd like sexual relationships with, which is why Jeffrey Dahmer killed gay males, Ed Kemper killed young attractive women, etc. These are the people they would have sought after for relationships, but due to their sexual dysfunction (in Dahmer's case, an inability to accept that he was homosexual, and in Kemper's case a domineering, castrating mother) they were unable.

Another disastrous result of the lack of sex life can be found in the catholic church, which is a haven for perverts and pedophiles. I'm not saying lack of sex turns priests into boy diddlers, but I think there is something to be said for the fact that pedophiles might be attracted to the church for that reason, i.e. they can indulge in their disgusting behavior freely, without the fear of being caught and apprehended by the authorities. Catholic nuns are in a league of their own. Nun are some of the most malicious, sexually frustrated people on the planet, bested only by Muslim males, who take real joy in depriving themselves something as natural as food and water.

So here is my idea. Since we are too goddamn immature to legalize prostitution across the nation, I think every man and woman, at the age of 18, should be allotted a sex toy of their choosing. Butt plugs, vibrators, foot fifis, the choice is yours. Everyone gets one hour a day to fud themselves insane. Think of it as a relaxtion technique, just you and your toy for one hour, whipping yourself into a frenzy, thinking of whatever sick fucking fantasy gets you off, until you sexplode. Afterwards you won't want to kill your children, you won't feel like drinking yourself into a coma, you won't be tempted to shoot your TV, Elvis style, and you will get some much needed exercise. It's a win win for everyone.