The Weird Turn Pro

Are you tired of being out-weirded by your friends and loved ones? Run out of room in your closet for three wolf t-shirts and multi-colored skinny jeans? Can't listen to one more track of MGMT without blowing your brains out? Then let me help you be the fucking freak you always knew you could be.

Hi, I'm mutterhals, ordained minister, amateur doctor and all around professional, so obviously I know what I'm talking about. It's cool to be eccentric these days, although not everyone can pull it off. Hey, it's not your fault you had a relatively normal upbringing, with no history of mental illness in your family. That's why I'm here. With my award-winning program, you too can affect a demeanor of effortless cool and devise a cutting edge persona that will get you lauded at the next vegan/anarchist picnic and beyond.

Everyone knows that the key to being cool is discovering things before anyone else does. But what are you to do if you are always the last to know about a band or movie or art movement? Just make some shit up, like so:

Me: You guys ever hear of The Bruits? They’re a great French no-wave band from the 80s. They only released one demo composed of thirty minutes of low frequency noise ending with an audio clip from the season finale of Cheers.

Gaggle of Punks Dressed Up Like Victorian Era Chimney Sweeps: Ohhhhhhhhh…

Me: Yeah, it’s pretty hip. My good friend Vaughn discovered them. He's an artist. He specializes in post-futuristic multi-media outstallations. He coined that phrase, by the way.

GoPDULVECS: Ahhhhhh....

Me: His last piece was a huge success. He hung one of those novelty license plates on a tree in his neighbor's yard. He said it was a comment on the personhood of inanimate objects.

This will go over much better if you are wearing a bunny mask or a cape or a fancy sweater with a kitten on it. And don't forget your fingerless gloves, they let everyone know that you mean business, as well as providing comfort in those times when your palms are freezing but your fingers are blistering hot.

Which brings me to another important point, dressing the part. Maybe you are not nearly as weird as you think you are. Maybe your idea of weird is throwing on your vintage Mr. Belvedere t-shirt and calling it a day. That's not gonna cut it anymore, guy. You need to amp up your weird game. You see people wearing bear suits and tutus to pick up a quart of milk at the grocery store, and you think your charming little 'ironic' tee is enough to get you in the club? Not. Even. Close.

Here are my suggestions. Try wearing your pants as a shirt. You can then brag to your friends that you were the first to discover 'shants'. Or cut everything you own down the middle and sew it on to something else. That's a good look. When it comes to your hair, do not put too much time or effort into, unless that's the look you are going for, then you must put in the maximum time and effort to look like you didn't put any effort into it at all. After mussing up your ‘don’t’, dye it the most unflattering color you can imagine, like puke yellow or shit brown or albino white. If you must wear a hat, wear the silliest, most unflattering hat you can find. My favorites are the little tiny ones that you must affix to your head with an elastic band, or fedoras. Whatever you do, avoid baseball caps at all costs, you don't want to look like a fucking idiot after all.

Now that you've got your look together, we'll need to work on your personality. You should always speak in a soothing, monotonous tone capable of putting a new born baby to sleep. It's best to pretend you are high on heroin at all times, it gives one that not-quite-there impression, as though whatever is going on in your head is infinitely more interesting than reality. When faced with unfamiliar concepts, like science or math or politics, one should make comments like 'that's off my radar' or 'the scene doesn't evolve'. In fact, these two nuggets will allow you to side step almost every serious conversation you might ever encounter. Example:

Some Guy: Hey Petey, you hear about the new Supreme Court nominee? What's your opinion on judicial activism?

Petey: Sorry, that's off my radar.

SG: Maybe if you took your face out of that iPhone for a minute you'd know a thing or two.

Petey: The scene doesn't evolve, pal.

As a very great man once said (I think it was a scientist or historian or something like that) there is a fine line between clever and stupid. My program helps you identify that line so you can step right the fuck over it and immerse yourself in abject stupidity. Order now and receive a free pair of fingerless gloves.