Transcript of the forthcoming Sean Hannity/Sarah Palin interview

Don't say I never gave you nothing. Guess who got her hot little hands on the Sean Hannity/Sarah Palin interview that hasn't even happened yet? Don't tell anyone, but back in the 80s I gave a lap dance to Stephen Hawking and as a reward for my sultry moves he offered me use of his time machine. Behold!

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Sean Hannity: First of all I'd like to say that you are the second coming of Christ.

Sarah Palin: Oh gee thanks, it's citizens like you that make me proud of this our land of freedom and bravery in the country we call the American States.

SH: If the Virgin Mary walked into this room and shat in the corner, it would not rival the profundity and pureness of your being. I would allow myself to be buried alive with your corpse, if my producer deemed it necessary.

SP: Oh gee Dan, I too love Mary our blessed virgin with her flowing robes of propriety and dedication to purity and good christian values.

SH: Why does the liberal-mainstream-gay mafia-Jew-press corps hate you so much? Is it because they hate freedom and Jesus?

SP: Oh the mainstream-liberal-trash-media purveyors of muckitude and lies of slander and libel destroying the reputations of young girls and dedicated working feminist mothers who also know their place and can skin a moose in just under a tarnation, doncha know!

SH: Those damn atheists. You know what we do with atheists on the Fox lot? We ask them to re-program our clocks after daylight savings ends, none of the religious people can figure it out.

SP: Those atheists can smugly disconcert their allegiance to our lord and he will look upon them miserably and they too will learn of the christian road that we faithful walk upon with grateful gratitude towards our fanicful lord, amen.

SH: Can we have a moment of silence to honor Ronald Reagan, praise be upon him?

SP: I'm not sure who that is...is he the fella who works for that McDonalds restaurant?

SH: It's not important. It's only important that you remember Reagan is a buzzword for the good old days of republicanism, even though he was probably senile for the majority of his two terms.

SP: Oh ya learn somethin' new every day I 'spose!

SH: Don't mention it. Can I smell your gorgeous republican feet?

SP: Todd would love just love that!

SH: So those who hate you are just jealous, right?

SP: Oh gee I don't know oh.

SH: Exactly. How are is your family doing? Have they recovered from being taken on lavish spending sprees and pampered in ritzy hotels during the McCain campaign?

SP: Oh well we're just simple folk who like huntin' and fishin' and procreatin', when sanctioned by the lord, of course.

SH: Real people. Salt of the earth.

SP: Ya lost me there Dan.

SH: Please forgive me.

SP: Oh gee oh gosh oh my.

SH: You have such a way with words.

SP: Oh gee oh my, I'm just a sweet ol' hockey mom from Buffalo Rump Alaska in the good ol' US of A, long may she wave.

SH: What are the three biggest problems facing real Americans?

SP: Acorns. I heard that on your show!

SH: That's only one sweetie.

SP: Well, doncha know we need to cease and desist this culture of ridicule aimed at our teenage moms. They are only doing what the good lord intended, gettin' barefoot and pregnant before they finish high school.

SH: I'll let you slide on the third example. Closing thoughts?

SP: I just hope the people citizens of this great American country of the United States realize they are part of the bigger picture plan of god across these malted grains to mobilize the people of the universe and beyond to beautify ourselves and give it up to the lord while others along the border of cities and states and elsewhere in the continental states to stand up and say we are here and tomorrow we will be there!

SH: I couldn't have said it better myself.