Oct 31, 2014
Sep 17, 2014
Writing Exercise #1: Donut
Hey kids. Do you know what happens when two writers forge a relationship together? They participate in questionable writing exercises, such as the following:
“That was a big fucking donut!”
Mary had her first period. Blood, blood everywhere! White Sunday dress failure. Sunday was a big day in her family, due to Jesus and all. Her father had a large jaw and wide cheekbones; her father drank vodka from the bottle. Her mother had a large jaw, also.
The prominent mandible clan was highly involved in the knitting community. They were region-renowned for their needle work on The Last Supper. However Mary started doing needle work of The Crucifixion with her vast period blood imbedded in yarn.
“What's with the performance art?” father bellowed from behind the New York Times style section.
“Oh, it's just a reflection of my budding femininity and in the style of my personal rebellion.”
“Great answer, when's dinner?”
“I”ll obviously have the kielbasa done by seven.”
The old man shrugged, discontentedly, as was his way. She smiled at him with knowing.“Oh, what now, did you queef again?”
“Oh, Lord, I wish.”
Father pounded his fist on the table and shouted, “You shut your whore mouth!”
“I'll shut my whore mouth when Mr. Marcus stops screwing me every Tuesday at 1:00P.M...”
“Who's Mr. Marcus?”
“The man who gives us our dairy for free now.”
“You mean he gets his dairy for free, because you're a cow, Mary!”
“No, I mean to say since Christmas Eve last year when you were drinking Italian liquor you said he could screw me and that is why we've been getting free dairy.”
He sat in quiet contemplation, thinking “huzzah, huzzah, huzzah.”
Mary said, “Thankful, the old prick is beautiful but now that I've been bleeding you'll have to put a stop to it or raise my bastard, but I suppose maybe the cheese is worth it.”
“Oh, he does bring some exquisite goat cheese.”
“Right, as the cheese on my thirteen year-old face is exquisite on Tuesdays.”
“Now you're just being silly.”
“It's not my preference, really.”
And so it was on planet earth, all sturm und drang.
Mr. Marcus came in with some fresh milk and the finest cheese in the village.
Jun 30, 2014
I Hate New York
I visited in New York on a whim and I can't say that I was disappointed. I can say that you couldn't pay me to live in that shit hole, but that's another story altogether. New York is the place for self-important assholes to congregate and feel good about buying a $5.50 domestic draft. I spent more money there than I ever have in my whole life, but that's OK because around here the content-writing money flows like fucking salmon in a stream or some shit. Apparently you can earn a shit load of dough writing about wake board towers and zombie weddings.
But I digress hilariously. I visited the 9/11 memorial. Nothing funny about that, save for the tissue stations conveniently located in case you are moved to tears by large crowds of foreigners who come to scoff at America's failure of infrastructure. Of course, what we lack in common sense we more than make up for in CHARGING EXORBITANT AMOUNTS OF CASH TO VIEW RUBBLE FROM THE RUINS OF OUR EMPIRE.
Now you might think this money would go to some sort of relief for victims of the attack or perhaps the first-responders who are now down two lungs and up one nifty breathing machine. Of course, you'd be wrong in that assumption, because those people don't see a dime of that sweet, sweet sorrow money. Instead, it goes to stocking the gift shop full of shameful offerings, like 9/11 themed cheese plates and plaques commemorating the fierce battle of consumerism.
The highlight of my trip had to be playing Street Fighter in the fucking Museum of Modern Art. The low-light? Times Square. Times Square is like a fucking demilitarized zone. The subway ride was slightly less comfortable than a train to Auschwitz, which I can joke about because I come from a long line of Gypsies.
In conclusion, visiting New York is like a questionable sex act: there may be blood involved and you will most likely come in contact with a communicable disease. Next stop, Liechtenstein!
Feb 21, 2014
Come to where the flavor is...
Feb 20, 2014
GET A JOB, SIR!!! THE BUMS LOST!!!
I genuinely treasure the little things in life. Seeing my rivals grow old and fat. Finding gum in the bottom of my purse. Aging backwards. But getting quoted by the queen of social justice herself? Well, I just might buy a cake.
LOL, guys I'm a conservative now. She conveniently left out the part about her husband making $100,000 a year.
Shakesville: Get a JobIt happens every other month like clockwork: Immediately after I post the fundraising reminder, my inbox lights up with messages from conservatives telling me to "get a job." "If you want money so bad," goes one (typical) email I received earlier this week, "get a job like everyone else." This is my job.
Feb 6, 2014
I saved a white rabbit from becoming dinner. I named her Claudia 'bun-buns' von Bulow. She's bitten me numerous times. You wouldn't think a rabbit would be intimidating, but this thing is the size of a small dog. This is basically what she looks like all the time:
Her favorite thing to do is chew through electrical wires. She chomped through my phone cord and didn't miss a beat. She seems to believe my feet are separate from the rest of my body. When she gets angry she thumps at me. When I get mad at her I threaten to eat her, which is lost on her because, you know, rabbit.
Dec 25, 2013
Tis the season...
Dec 23, 2013
Dec 11, 2013
Today on Shakesville: Child Rapists
There is a lot of outrage regarding this story being reported by the AP today, about a 6-year-old boy in Denver who has been suspended for school for sexual harassment after kissing a female classmate. His mother says people are overreacting over one little kiss geez. Except it wasn't once: He has been previously suspended for kissing the same classmate, without her consent, and now has done it again. It's amazing (not remotely amazing) that this defense looks precisely like the rape apologia we see after every other case in which a male student breaches the consent of a female classmate. It was mutual. It was no big deal. There's nothing wrong with it. It's normal. It's natural. It's just a boy being a boy. To call out this behavior, to punish it, will have negative consequences for the boy who breached a girl's consent. It will ruin his life.
Ponies Are Fucking Assholes
Nov 12, 2013
Smile, You're Dead!
Despite the fact that self-taken pictures (otherwise known as selfies) point to a severe lack of both friends and mirrors, they remain a cultural phenomenon. I guess I could make this big foot-stomping show of how they signal our collective narcissism and general demise, but I don’t really feel that way. Selfies are pretty much harmless. If snapping innumerable pics of yourself makes you feel beautiful and empowered, who am I tell you otherwise?
However, I must express my distinct displeasure at a recent trend. For one reason or another, people are now deigning to show respect for the dead by taking pictures of themselves at funerals. Why? Like most everything everyone does these days, it seems to be a means of garnering attention.
Taking pictures with corpses isn’t even a new thing, though I don’t imagine the duck-lips set has any inkling of history outside of which of today’s big stars used to be on the Mickey Mouse club. Many cultures take pictures of the deceased, which I learned the hard way when a co-worker asked if I wanted to see a picture of his father, only to whip out what was seemingly a still from a Rob Zombie film.
It used to be expensive to get pictures taken of your family, so if one of you happened to drop off before they just propped up your corpse next to the rest of your kin and snapped away. Of course, those pictures were borne out of tradition or necessity. There are no such reasonable excuses as to why someone might snap a pic of themselves hovering over a loved one’s casket.
I guess I wouldn’t really a problem with at funerals if they weren’t such a blatant sympathy grab. I’m all for laughing in the face of death. But when you accompany your supposedly mournful visage with hashtags like #, #, #, #, I tend to question your sincerity. I think this is more a matter of you wearing a cute outfit and wanting to show all your ‘friends’, and by friends I mean those weird old guys who follow you on Facebook.
I’m going to tell you entitled brats something your ineffectual parents should have a long time ago: Grandma’s corpse is not an attraction at a theme park. No one should commemorate a relative’s passing with duck lips. While we’re on the subject, Ke$ha is a ridiculous person, the Illuminati is not real, and I can see through those goddamn yoga pants you all insist on wearing.
I’m certainly no fan of funerals. I hold a fervent belief that all funerals should be accompanied by an open bar. If I have to look at waxy corpse for hours straight, I could really use six or seven stiff drinks. Funerals tend to be pretty somber functions, unless you’re a member of my family, in which case be prepared for one or two fist fights and the inevitable booze-soaked, impromptu eulogy (or , as it were).
Funerals are not the places for obvious vanity. Nothing saps the allure of vanity quicker than a corpse in the proximity. Aunt Charlene was probably a real looker at one point too, but that hardly matters now. Now Aunt Charlene is lucky if she catches the attention of an amorous morgue assistant.
And that’s the nifty thing about life and death; it literally happens to all of us. And when it does, you’ll most likely look like shit. No matter how good you look now, there will be a point when your body becomes the punch line to some cosmic joke, something involving the toothy pull of gravity. Those body parts you so lovingly document each and every day will not look so pleasing on the bad side of 50. Hell, most of you will hit the wall at 30.
Depressed yet? Now think about some empty headed youth leaning over your casket to take advantage of the superior lighting so she can send pictures to the pituitary throwback she bangs on the regular. And to think, I gave up nihilism in college. #
Nov 8, 2013
Privilege Status: Shit Lord
I utterly refuse to get on board with the concept of 'privilege'. This idea completely negates a person's life experience. Privileges afforded by being in the ethnic majority or being male can be overlapped by other factors, like extreme poverty, disability, and abuse. The idea that you should feel guilty for something you have no control over is just as absurd as supposing one group is inferior to another.
Oct 9, 2013
Go Duck Yourself
Did you guys hear the one about the giant duck taking over Pittsburgh? No seriously, there is a giant duck in Pittsburgh:
This Fucking Thing. Everyone has duck fever. I went down there with my boyfriend the opening weekend and had to wade through a massive crowd of people who have apparently never experienced an acid flashback before. People are acting like this duck shits gold doubloons. See what I did there?! Doubloons, like the fucking pirates???? Oh Jesus, kill me now.
I don't hate the duck per se, I just hate that it's being called art. There are all sorts of acceptable definitions of art, I get that, but this smacks of some thoughtless art whore's Grand Idea. Why not a massive vulva floating on are three rivers as a testament to, oh, I don't know, venereal disease? The importance of keeping your chocha clean? A comment on man's intimidation at the sight a giant female sex gland bobbing around a polluted water source? For the love of god, never google massive vulva. I just learned that the hard way.
Sep 19, 2013
THIS IS WHY WE CAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS!!!
*SHAKES FIST AT SKY!!!*
My father was in town. We don't get along. He bought me a $500 bike. I mean, I've wanted a bike for about year, and couldn't afford a decent one, and was too lazy to do all the hunting involved in finding a good bike of the right size for cheaper. Now I'm afraid to ride it in case it gets stolen. A long time ago, I left my bike in a hidden spot near my martial arts school and didn't lock it up while I was in class, and when I came back it was gone.Shakesville: Open Thread
To recap, she doesn't get along with her father because he bought her a $500 bike that she is afraid is going to be stolen because she has some sort of aversion to locking up her bike while out in public. I'm so glad these people have feminism to keep them grounded, otherwise they might act like a bunch of entitled, overgrown children. Shhhh, no logic now, only dreams.
Sep 14, 2013
Sep 11, 2013
Happy 9/11 Day
I'm gonna rise up
I'm gonna kick a little ass
Gonna kick some ass in the USA
Gonna climb a mountain
Gonna sew a flag
Gonna fly on an Eagle
I'm gonna kick some butt
I'm gonna drive a big truck
I'm gonna rule this world
Gonna kick some ass
Gonna rise up
Kick a little ass
ROCK, FLAG AND EAGLE
Sep 2, 2013
News of the Why
After years of suffering doomed relationships with the quiet dignity of a middle aged waffle waitress, Jenifer Aniston has finally become a hit in the love department. The lucky guy is none other than Rex, a comely four year old Doberman who is Hollywood's go to choice when in need of an imposing guard dog type. With an impressive list of credits, Aniston has surely met her match.
"He's like the Ryan Gosling of dogs," so says Rex's trainer. Word is that protruding stomach Aniston's been sporting as of late is not due to her love for off brand Mexican food. Perhaps we can look forward to the pitter-patter of some kind of sick human-canine hybrid in the near future? Is that even possible? Do I look like fucking Stephen Hawking?
Newly minted bad girl Miley Cyrus is looking to amp up her cultural appropriation game by boldly going where no mincing redneck has gone before.
"Hip-hop's so passe," Cyrus said outside of the re-purposed outhouse where she records most of her music. "I'm really into Nigerian Lip Curling. You've never heard of it? I'm not surprised."
She then went on to call our interviewer a honkey just before the ghost of Billy Ray Cyrus rose from the sewer and asked for his weekly hair extension money.
What's the next step for smoking hot teen mom and backdoor beauty Farrah Abrahams?
"I'm looking into amputee porn," the largely mediocre looker told News of the Why just last week."It's so, like, cutting edge. I've been trying to lose weight anyway."
Farrah is mostly known for her questionable life decisions, including a so called 'amateur' sex video that had better production value than all three Star Wars movies.