Nice lip injections, guy...

This is really neither here nor there, it just amuses me to no end that some supposed tough guy rapper is insecure enough to get really obvious plastic surgery. Those lips are saying, "I'm a pouty little girl, yes I am" while his skin is crying out for a vigorous exfoliation. I think I just made myself sterile by looking at his picture.

Best. Fucking. Song. Ever.

Yes, I have a mullet, but I'm also wearing a plaid shirt, so it's OK.

Simulated, man on man fellatio is a cause I can get behind

Almost certain to provoke a new ruckus at the FCC, American Idol runner-up Adam Lambert's live performance at Sunday Night's American Music Awards was regarded as so salacious by ABC, which broadcast it, that portions of it were deleted for the West Coast rebroadcast. Lambert expressed outrage.

In an interview with the Los Angeles Times, Lambert said, "If it's gonna be edited, then in a way that's discrimination. I don't mean to get political, but Madonna, Britney and Christina weren't edited. ... It's a shame. Female entertainers have been risque for years. Honestly, there's a huge double standard."

http://www.imdb.com/news/ni1223748/

Seriously, how many times have you seen Madonna hump some guy's face on stage? Mr. mutterhals is about as straight as they come, and even he agrees that this is bullshit. And it's not like they didn't know Adam Lambert is as gay as the day is long.

Horrific, down right terrifying news story of the day

For 23 years Rom Houben was trapped in his own body, unable to communicate with his doctors or family. They presumed he was in a vegetative state following a near-fatal car crash in 1983.

But then doctors used a state-of-the-art scanning system on the brain of the martial arts enthusiast, which showed it was functioning almost normally.

"I had dreamed myself away," said Houben, now 46, whose real "state" was discovered three years ago and has just been made public by the doctor who rescued him.

Steven Laureys, a neurologist at the University of Liège in Belgium, has published a scientific paper saying Houben could be one of many falsely diagnosed coma cases around the world.

Houben is being cared for at a facility near Brussels and now communicates via a computer with a special keyboard activated with his right hand, which is capable of minimal movement. He said his body was paralysed when he came round after his accident. Although he could hear every word his doctors spoke, he could not communicate with them.

"I screamed, but there was nothing to hear," he said, via his keyboard.

Houben then suffered years of being effectively trapped in his own body as care personnel and doctors at the hospital in Zolder tried to communicate with him, but eventually gave up hope that he would ever come round.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2009/nov/23/man-trapped-coma-23-years

The personal is not political, aherm...

I was just thinking about how much I hate republicans and the way they turn everything into a political statement. Like the whole healthcare reform issue. It's not about who has the most competent plan that will curtail insurance companies strangle hold on the public and allow affordable coverage to more people. It's all about your filthy liberal allegiance to Herr Obama.

That's literally what it comes down to; if you are not a rabid republican attack dog, you are just another Tang drinker or whatever hackneyed, unfunny slur people use to denote blind devotion. Here's an idea, how about we call it exactly what it is, i.e. blind devotion and apply this theory to everyone?

If you overlook a woman's obvious political (and mental and intellectual) shortcomings all because she claims to be a die hard republican, well then you too are a Tang drinker, sorry. If you think democrats want to kill your god-fearing grandma, give your 5 year old a preemptive abortion, and take all your guns to be melted down for a giant statue of Mohammed to be erected on the national mall, well you sir are a bona fide Tang consumer. If you clamor for Barack Obama's birth certificate (because a certificate of live birth is just not the same thing) you are a proud Tang junkie.

Seriously, what level of conspiracy needs to be possible for a man who was not a natural born citizen to be elected to both the senate and presidency? Going by this stunning logic, John McCain is not a natural born citizen either, yet I can't imagine McCain facing the same kind of bizarre criticisms were he elected.

There is nothing more annoying than over fed, over privileged white people mewling about being oppressed and mistreated. These people consider Disney’s decision to include a black fairytale princess in their latest movie mistreatment. Because how will little Ashleigh feel when she stares up at that big screen and sees, gasp, someone that does not look like her?! Probably the same way little Tasha and Juanita felt, but who gives a shit about them?

I always knew a black president would send racist whites into a frenzy, but I honestly had no idea how creative these mofos would get when looking for things to be pissed about. Barack Obama can’t sneeze without some clansman decrying the slow drift towards armageddeon. You wish, Pappy. Now get back in the house and clean up that mess, cause Jesus is coming and he is pissed (at least that's what it said on the church near my work).

This just in! Women lie! In other news, water is wet, sky is blue...

If there is one thing on which many working mothers agree, it is that their partners do not pull their weight on the domestic front.

But research to be published this week reveals that men are being unfairly accused and working women are advancing the myth of the "useless man" so they can feel more feminine.

"Working women who provide the majority of the household's income to the family continue to articulate themselves as the ones who 'see' household messes and needs as a way to retain claims to an element of a traditional feminine identity," said Dr Rebecca Meisenbach, whose research paper, The Female Breadwinner, will be published this week in the journal Sex Roles.

But Meisenbach said the trend of the female high achiever and the male slacker is a tall story that women tell each other to compensate for the fact that most career-orientated women feel an "overwhelming sense of guilt" over their role and less of a mother and a wife.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2009/nov/22/working-women-husbands-housework

Does the 'huge, grating bitch-face of a wife' stereotype make men feel better? Cause I know a lot more of those than 'useless men'.

When men lie, they are the scum of the earth (i.e. "My wife was a size two when we met, now I use her ass as a place to put my beer."). When women do it, ("My lazy, good for nothing husband, all he does is work, and mow the lawn and take out the trash and feed the kids...") they are telling 'tall tales' to make themselves feel better.

Perfectly legitimate! Not legitimate? When hubby gets caught knuckle deep in some stripper. Hey, maybe it made him feel better?

The Super Post

I'm gonna make this quick, as I have to take a piss badly:

1. I saw a girl putting on eyeliner while driving this morning. I'm hoping she had a wreck and poked out her own eye with her Wet & Wild Tawny Liquid liner, it's only fair.

2. Why do anti-health reform republicans frequently intone "you don't want the government in charge of health care, it's not capable of handling such a large task"? Isn't the government in charge of a whole bunch of important shit already, including health care for select people? And don't these idiots work for the government? So basically they are saying we shouldn't trust them because they can't find their own ass with a funnel?

3. Josh Homme has cleft my heart in twain yet again. Them Crooked Vultures lackluster (yeah, I said it) debut album just came out last week and there is already chatter of a second one. Well fuck you very much, fuck you for taking my all time favorite band ever, the greatest band in the history of music, and watering it down for people who like Led Zeppelin. Them Crooked Vultures is Queens of the Stone Age for 50 year olds and terminal hipsters. (PS, all will be forgiven if Mr. Homme releases a Desert Sessions box set in the next year or forwards me a picture of his balls.)

4. How many plaid shirts are too many?

5. The Road comes out on Wednesday. I loved the book, the movie looks like straight shit (as an aside, they filmed it in my hometown of Pittsburgh because apparently this city does 'post-apocalyptic wasteland' really well), and I don't understand the fascination with Cormac McCarthy. His writing leaves a lot to be desired and he takes himself way to seriously. If you are going to read one of his books, try Child of God, then The Road and don't bother with No Country for Old Men, especially if you've seen the movie.

6. Who is more annoying? People who wait in frigid temps to get a glimpse at Sarah Palin or all those Twilight assholes?

Here's Sarah with a retard, as well as her son Trick Palin...Track, Track Palin. Twig. I'm not even being funny, I can't remember that kid's weird ass name.

7. There is some lady where I live who insists on feeding the cats around my house. This morning, while the guy from AAA was ass-raping me without lube (i.e. selling me a battery) I watched this trolodyte pull up and every cat in the neigborhood came out of whatever rock they were hiding under to greet her.

There is one who looks downright diabolical, it is the biggest fucking cat I've ever seen, lousy with mange and generally just really frigging disgusting, and this crazy bitch greeted it warmly and actually petted the thing! If I can get my hands on that cat, well, it won't have to worry about where it's next meal is coming from, let's put it that way.

The Ballad of Clumpy

I'm not much of humanitarian. However, my fetid heart strings sometimes get plucked by the most impoverished, downtrodden people in society; the homeless, the ritually abused and neglected, those born into dire situations and never really standing a chance in the face of enormous adversity.

However, people who have never existed rarely affect me emotionally, unlike pro-lifers, who are utterly consumed by the plight of these potential people. It's a very philosophical notion, pining for something that never actually existed.

I believe I've cracked the nut of pro-lifer's reverence towards the unborn. It's easy to champion a person that doesn't exist. It's a blank slate to imagine the majesty of human potential. But the reality of the situation is that most people will not ascend to the lofty height of personal success as imagined by fervent pro lifers.

Pro lifers frequently intone that every woman electing to have an abortion is killing a future cancer-cure, or the next MLK, or some other fanciful scenario to be determined later. And of course, this is entirely possible.

Equally possible is that women receiving abortions are also killing off future murderers and rapists and drug addicts and dead beat dads and the morbidly obese and rednecks and the next George W. Bush. Imagine the hell Americans would have been spared had Mama Bush decided to aspirate her little nothing?

Of course this sinister conjecture is just as pointless and faulty as the reverse. There is no sense in pondering it because it never was and it never will be. It’s a shallow ploy to manipulate the weak willed and sensitive, and that is what pro lifers deal in, crude emotional ploys to brow beat you into agreeing with them.

But it takes no integrity to champion something unreal. Morally, you risk nothing, because little Clumpy is never going to come back to haunt you with his misdeeds and bad behavior, unlike putting your faith in actual human beings, who often end up disappointing you and making you look foolish.

So here's to little Clumpy and all the hell he was spared. He'll never have to work a shitty job he hates. He'll never order something at a restaurant and find a hair in it. And best of all, Clumpy will never know that a whole bunch of arrogant christian assholes are rooting for him while decrying just about every other living thing that isn't also an arrogant christian asshole.

Won't you please help?

I am just giddy with anticipation for the upcoming Levi Johns(t)on Playgirl pictorial. I thought I'd take a moment to make a personal appeal about an issue that's close to my heart, I mean vagina.

Hi, I'm mutterhals. I'm a 29 year old heterosexual woman who is appalled by the lack of full frontal male nudity in movies. Sure, butts are nice, as is the occasional flash of pubes, but the dearth of actual, verifiable dongs on film really upsets me.

These days the only guys willing to show all are ugly method actors (save for Viggo Mortensen, but one man's dong can only do so much) in art films that are about as sexy as a day old pile of puke. Even dear Levi chickened out, apparently only affording us vague glimpses at Lil' Levi, the one-eyed bandit. What gives? And don't talk to me about cold weather and shrinkage, I'm a big girl, I know how these things work.

Unfortunately, most women don't share my love of unsheathed wangs, but their latent homosexuality is their problem, not mine. I can't be the only girl who day dreams about guy's balls? Or perhaps I've said too much?

Please do not make me resort to pantsing random men in public, because I will do that.

Oswald Copperpot speaks his mind

Greeting the Japanese emperor at Tokyo’s Imperial Palace last weekend, President Barack Obama bowed so low that he was looking straight at the stone floor.

But critics call Obama’s outstretched hand a miscalculation. (Former VP Dick) Cheney said: "There is no reason for an American president to bow to anyone. Our friends and allies don't expect it, and our enemies see it as a sign of weakness."

http://www.politico.com/news/stories/1109/29614.html

He went on to say, "Get these kids off my lawn!"

I don't get it. Wait...I still don't get it.

OK, so they are trying five of the alleged instigators of the 9/11 hijacking and the big story is the fact that they decided to try these fools in NYC.

I don't really object to that in principle, it's just that the whole thing smacks of futility. It's a foregone conclusion that all suspects will be found guilty, no matter what. So why all the pomp and sensation of having a trial in the United States when the outcome is fairly obvious?

I suppose that is the point: America is the country that will afford you a (somewhat) fair trial before sending your ass off to be 'humanely' executed, although I guess lethal injection is preferable to being buried up to the neck and having a bunch of latent homosexuals throw rocks at you.

Another thing I don't understand is how Khalid Sheikh Mohammed ended up being the 'mastermind' of 9/11. Maybe I need to bone up on my new speak, but I always thought Osama bin Laden was the prize pig of that conflagration. Isn't that why we are warring with Afghanistan, even though most of the people who perpetrated the act were from Saudi Arabia? Uh-oh, I just had a reason over load, someone's gonna come take me away.

If were are really serious about catching Osama, here is what we do: we take Whitney Houston and ship her to Afghanistan. With armed military escorts, send her out to the hills of Afghanistan and let her belt out all her greatest hits. When her dulcet tones waft into bin Laden's cave, he will find himself unable to resist. As he peeks out to see if it really is Ms. Whitney Houston, a sharp shooter gets the perfect head shot. Problem solved, and we get Whitney Houston some much needed work.

Hey Meghan McCain, nobody cares about your tits...

"What about those poor bloody academics, those college graduates, battling their guts out to write some airy-fairy piece of exaggerated artwork? And here's a bloke, sitting in a cell, who can't spell, and he's written a best-seller. It's sold two hundred and fifty thousand copies. And it's still selling. And he's writing another one. And I can't even spell. I'm semi-bloody-illiterate." - Chopper (2000)

The above quote encapsulates my beef with Meghan McCain in its entirety. Unfortunately my father is not a twice failed presidential candidate, thus allowing me to eke out a respectable living as a writer jotting down whatever hackneyed, pointless idea that floats into my empty head.

I keep an eye on this land-beast out of sheer, morbid curiosity. I am transifxed by her every poorly articulated thought. Basically, her political philosphy can be summed up like this:

I have big tits. TITS! TITS! Daddy, why don't you love me? TITS! I'm a blond republican, with TITS! Yeah, I'm friends with some gays. TITS!!!

Just pretend you are on a diet

More than one in seven American households struggled to put enough food on the table in 2008, the highest number since the U.S. Department of Agriculture began tracking food security levels in 1995.

That's 14.6 percent of U.S. households, or about 49 million people. The numbers are a significant increase from 2007, when 11.1 percent of U.S. households suffered from what USDA classifies as "food insecurity" — not having enough food for an active, healthy lifestyle.

Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack said the numbers could be higher in 2009 because of the global economic slowdown.

"This report suggests its time for America to get very serious about food security and hunger," Vilsack told reporters during a conference call.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20091116/ap_on_bi_ge/us_hunger_report

While some of you out there are dying from 'food insecurity' (?!) the woman pictured above is on her third rack of ribs.

How can you not be serious about hunger? When I'm hungry, I am one serious mother fucker. How about we take all of the over eaters (those consuming 5,000 or more calories a day) and start dipping into their mammoth food supplies? You don't get to be 800 lbs. eating nothing, after all.

Manufactured republican-rage of the day

How low will the new American president go for the world's royalty?

This photo will get Democrat President Obama a lot of approving nods in Japan this weekend, especially among the older generation of Japanese who still pay attention to the royal family living in its downtown castle. Very low bows like this are a sign of great respect and deference to a superior. To some in the United States, however, an upright handshake might have looked better.

http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/washington/2009/11/obama-emperor-akihito-japan.html

Stop the presses. I know most republicans think the world starts and ends at the US borders, but I assure you there are many different countries in the world with rites and rituals all their own, quell surprise (oops, there is that pesky worldliness rearing its head again).

Running of the fools

"I give more credence in the Scripture as being kind of a timeless word of God to mankind, and I take it for what it is. And I don't think I give as much credence to my own mind, because I see myself as being very limited and very flawed, and lacking in knowledge, and wisdom and understanding." -Michele Bachmann having a somewhat lucid moment

"If God had not intended for us to eat animals, how come He made them out of meat?" -excerpt from Sarah Palin's Going Rogue

In certain circles, these two are being lauded as the great white hopes of the republican party. To everyone else, they are two of American politics longest running jokes.

According to an article appearing in The Guardian this past Sunday, Bachmann and Palin are part of the "increasingly visible 'female brand' of conservatism that is rising in America in the wake of the election of Obama". The author imagines liberals are evacuating their bowels in fear of two women who probably have a hard time programming the clock on a microwave.

The two most notable characteristics of PalBach? A hokey devotion to christianity and an notable lack of wisdom. Seriously, have you ever seen more oblivious, unaware women? Children have a better grasp on the way the world works than these two, who collectively possess the intellectual capacity of a grade school gym teacher.

And what does it say about the GOP when their two female stars are so lackluster? It seems to me that they picked the two best looking, loudest, most christ-addled idiots they could find and just wound them up and let them loose on the public.

But people aren't falling for this shit anymore. We were already subjected to the untold horror of a leader proffering nothing more than a dicey ideology, and look where that got us. These two make George W. Bush look like Stephen Fucking Hawking.

So I highly doubt liberals really see people like Bachmann and Palin as credible threats. To be truly threatening you must bring more to the table than supple gams and bouncy hair.

Have you seen me? Fat cunt edition.

The above visual abomination is named Heather Milyak. She lives in Pittsburgh, PA. She is a crack whore. She likes abandoning her children to go ride the snake all over Pittsburgh. When she needs a hot shower and some food (who are we kidding, a lot of fucking food) she comes back home, tail between her legs, and promises her put upon children that it will never happen again, until it does.

Now I don't normally do shit like this, but this one has it coming and I don't have time to troll around the city with my cattle prod and collapsible baton looking for this bitch. If you see her, give her a kick in the fat ass for Madison.

Pneumonic plague is the new swine flu

A cocktail of three flu viruses are reported to have mutated into a single pneumonic plague, which it is believed may be far more dangerous than swine flu. The death toll has reached 189 and more than 1 million people have been infected, most of them in the nine regions of Western Ukraine.

President of Ukraine Viktor Yushchenko has called in the World Health Organisation and a team of nine specialists are carrying out tests in Kiev and Lviv to identify the virus. Samples have been sent to London for analysis.

President Yushchenko said: “People are dying. The epidemic is killing doctors. This is absolutely inconceivable in the 21st Century.”

In a TV interview, the President added: “Unlike similar epidemics in other countries, three causes of serious viral infections came together simultaneously in Ukraine – two seasonal flus and the Californian flu

“Virologists conclude that this combination of infections may produce an even more aggressive new virus as a result of mutation.”

http://www.express.co.uk/posts/view/140492/Million-hit-by-plague-worse-than-swine-flu-

The facepalm heard round the world

"If God had not intended for us to eat animals, how come He made them out of meat?" -excerpt from Sarah Palin's Going Rogue

http://www.thedailybeast.com/blogs-and-stories/2009-11-14/top-10-palin-book-leaks/

When asked for comment, god shielded his eyes and said, "Look, I don't know this bitch."

Introducing Jelly Boy Cyrus

If I told you a jug band full of inbred Appalachian mountain people would produce one of the most successful teen pop stars in ages, you would laud me for my vibrant imagination while also commenting favorably on my exotic facial features and awesome hair cut.

Well, it’s real. Who would have thunk a one hit wonder from the piddling 90s, the era of the one hit wonder, would come back to haunt us like some kind of hulking movie monster. Just when you thought it was safe to turn on the radio, here comes the child prostitute with her gypsy band of Medusa-like siblings.

I'd like to take this opportunity to introduce you to newest member of the Cyrus clan. That would be Jelly Boy Cyrus, a lump of tissue cleaved from Ms. Miley at birth.

It seems Jelly Boy, or JB for short, had the sad misfortune of being partially absorbed by Miley in utero, despite Billy Ray’s insistence that fetal Miley diet down to an acceptable birth weight to ensure she didn’t turn out to be one of those ungainly fat babies you see every where.

Because the Cyrus clan are devout christians, they hooked baby Jelly Boy up to a car battery for several weeks, until he was gyrating and twitching of his own accord. Before they knew it, he was rolling down streets of their trailer park, frightening other kids silly and eating any stray cats that happened to cross his path. Every Sunday they hosed the cat hair and viscera off JB and rolled him down to the local church in a rusty wheelbarrow.

"We thank Jesus every day for Jelly Boy," Ms. Cyrus told me in a very special interview. "Without Jelly Boy I may have not gained the super human strength and fortitude needed to be an international pop star. JB's internal organs are what sustained me. Well, that and Christ's love. Go Jesus!" she called out as she shimmied away in see through top and crotchless panties.

And it seems that syphilis is not the only contagion making it's way around the family, as Jelly Boy has expressed an interest in pop music! Well, either that or he was having some kind of fit, you can never be sure because the thing has neither vocal cords nor a brain. When asked what kind of music he would be interested in making, Jelly Boy threw up his innards and collapsed in a puddle of bile. If you ask me, I think he is going to be a big star, just like his sister!

Are you there Josh? It's me, mutterhals.

I just listened to Them Crooked Vulture's debut album in its entirety and...well, I'm not happy.

Sure, as far as super groups go, it is a superior offering. And compared to the shit typically played on the radio, it far exceeds expectations.

However, I've been to the mountain top that was Queens of the Stone Age at their peak and from there this shit sounds pretty grim. Did I really detect a Robert Plant vocal inflection? Why does every bass line sound like the one in Kashmir (I'm looking at you, Pappy Slap Bass)? You couldn't conserve your energy for a new QOTSA album? Did Grohl put you up to this? Or was it Yoko Dalle? Needed a new wing on the Homme mansion?

Maybe I'm wrong. Every slack jawed fan boy from here to eternity seems to think this is the greatest thing since three wolf t-shirts. But I'm left feeling empty inside. That all important spark is missing. The fire is gone.

It doesn't matter. What matters is that I get my viking guitar god back the way he was, which means breaking bottles over lesser musicians heads and producing track after track of sexy, spectacular rock music that makes you want to put cigarettes out on people's faces. I know you can do it. We are all counting you.

Sincerely,
mutterhals

Nature is the most prolific abortionist of them all

"I'm in a board meeting. Having a miscarriage. Thank goodness, because there's a fucked-up three-week hoop-jump to have an abortion in Wisconsin." - insane Twit Penelope Trunk live blogging personal tragedy

http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2009/nov/06/penelope-trunk-tweet-miscarriage

My problem is not with this woman's attitude towards her pregnancy. Hell, I would have been breaking out the champagne too. The difference is I wouldn't make it a point to tell thousands of random strangers that I was happily experiencing a miscarriage, simply because it's none of anyone's business.

She thoughtlessly asserts this is some kind of 'feminist' issue. If so, she makes the patented feminist argument that women can do any old thing they please while being free of criticism and judgement. She didn't know her blase attitude would offend people? Really? I think that's what gets me; women in the public eye frequently behave in outrageous ways, then feign shock when someone expresses displeasure for their antics. Well, what did you expect? At least have the stones to maintain your tough girl demeanor in the face of adversity. Don't fall all over yourself explaining your motivations and citing historical references to make yourself look less objectionable. A celebratory tweet about your miscarriage is a bit cold-blooded, and I say that admiringly.

The 'allahu akbar' hits the fan

My first impression of the Fort Hood Clusterfuck of Muslim Paranoia and Wild Speculation is one of...meh?

Firstly, it's no huge shocker that a fanatical adherent of a silly, primitive religion would behave irrationally. Secondly, most are reacting to killings with utter shock and dismay, as though the killings occured in a day care center or a cancer ward.

Sorry kids, they weren't training puppy cats and kitty dogs at Fort Hood, they were preparing recruits to go get their heads blown off or to blow others heads off halfway around the world. When they weren't in preparation mode, they were fielding soldiers emerging from war completely fucked in the head because they were just exposed to unspeakable horrors for an extended period of time.

What I do find surprising is how this guy made it to the rank of major while being completely batshit insane. Like many other mass shootings happening in the last several years, the most disturbing aspect is the trail of crumbs the assailant left in his wake that no person of authority felt like following.

What is inevitable is islam and muslims in general will be blamed wholesale, and this guy will get the chair or however the fuck they like to kill you in Texas.

The Blitzer-Bot is on the fritz again

I just listened to Wolf Blizter stutter "if in fact, if in fact, if in fact," about 20 times. He was creating lots of fanciful hypothetical scenarios about the suspect in the Fort Hood shooting. Apparently Blitzer-Bot reverts to hypotheticals when there is no real news to report.

The buring question is why did a major in the US military decide to open fire on his fellow soliders?

Transcript of the forthcoming Sean Hannity/Sarah Palin interview

Don't say I never gave you nothing. Guess who got her hot little hands on the Sean Hannity/Sarah Palin interview that hasn't even happened yet? Don't tell anyone, but back in the 80s I gave a lap dance to Stephen Hawking and as a reward for my sultry moves he offered me use of his time machine. Behold!

***

Sean Hannity: First of all I'd like to say that you are the second coming of Christ.

Sarah Palin: Oh gee thanks, it's citizens like you that make me proud of this our land of freedom and bravery in the country we call the American States.

SH: If the Virgin Mary walked into this room and shat in the corner, it would not rival the profundity and pureness of your being. I would allow myself to be buried alive with your corpse, if my producer deemed it necessary.

SP: Oh gee Dan, I too love Mary our blessed virgin with her flowing robes of propriety and dedication to purity and good christian values.

SH: Why does the liberal-mainstream-gay mafia-Jew-press corps hate you so much? Is it because they hate freedom and Jesus?

SP: Oh the mainstream-liberal-trash-media purveyors of muckitude and lies of slander and libel destroying the reputations of young girls and dedicated working feminist mothers who also know their place and can skin a moose in just under a tarnation, doncha know!

SH: Those damn atheists. You know what we do with atheists on the Fox lot? We ask them to re-program our clocks after daylight savings ends, none of the religious people can figure it out.

SP: Those atheists can smugly disconcert their allegiance to our lord and he will look upon them miserably and they too will learn of the christian road that we faithful walk upon with grateful gratitude towards our fanicful lord, amen.

SH: Can we have a moment of silence to honor Ronald Reagan, praise be upon him?

SP: I'm not sure who that is...is he the fella who works for that McDonalds restaurant?

SH: It's not important. It's only important that you remember Reagan is a buzzword for the good old days of republicanism, even though he was probably senile for the majority of his two terms.

SP: Oh ya learn somethin' new every day I 'spose!

SH: Don't mention it. Can I smell your gorgeous republican feet?

SP: Todd would love just love that!

SH: So those who hate you are just jealous, right?

SP: Oh gee I don't know oh.

SH: Exactly. How are is your family doing? Have they recovered from being taken on lavish spending sprees and pampered in ritzy hotels during the McCain campaign?

SP: Oh well we're just simple folk who like huntin' and fishin' and procreatin', when sanctioned by the lord, of course.

SH: Real people. Salt of the earth.

SP: Ya lost me there Dan.

SH: Please forgive me.

SP: Oh gee oh gosh oh my.

SH: You have such a way with words.

SP: Oh gee oh my, I'm just a sweet ol' hockey mom from Buffalo Rump Alaska in the good ol' US of A, long may she wave.

SH: What are the three biggest problems facing real Americans?

SP: Acorns. I heard that on your show!

SH: That's only one sweetie.

SP: Well, doncha know we need to cease and desist this culture of ridicule aimed at our teenage moms. They are only doing what the good lord intended, gettin' barefoot and pregnant before they finish high school.

SH: I'll let you slide on the third example. Closing thoughts?

SP: I just hope the people citizens of this great American country of the United States realize they are part of the bigger picture plan of god across these malted grains to mobilize the people of the universe and beyond to beautify ourselves and give it up to the lord while others along the border of cities and states and elsewhere in the continental states to stand up and say we are here and tomorrow we will be there!

SH: I couldn't have said it better myself.

I see what you did there...

So, not only did Rihanna steal Josh Homme's hair do, now she is stealing his album names? How is she gonna name that pop-offal Rated R? Sorry sweets, that name's taken already by the second most awesome QOTSA album (the first being Songs for the Deaf).